A Lovely Tradition

 We’re in the home stretch of the year. The temperatures are colder, the days are shorter and our to-do lists are likely longer than normal.  The season is filled with warmth, joy, laughter, and a sense of kindness that can only belong to this time of year.  From Halloween to New Years Day we say yes to parties, dinners, drinks with friends, travel plans and maybe even obligations that we simply commit to out of obligation, not desire.  In this thought journey I want us to challenge the concept of traditions not only for holiday celebrations but in every aspect of our lives.  I’m talking about everything from your Christmas day plans to wedding plans to how you structure your family life and gender roles.  After all, this is your life so why not do the things that bring you happiness and contentment and not worry so much about what the family wants you to do or the questions your friends will ask.  Let's explore!

As some of you who read this blog may expect, I’m going to start with my favorite topic cluster, marriage, females who make their own money and the family structure.  The traditions surrounding this collection of topics are absolutely awful.  So what's a girl who has been single, independent and childless to do when she feels an interest in exploring the options of family life?  We have a strong connection to our independence and all of the incredibly hard work that it took to get us to where we are.  Why are we expected to trade a senior title, a degree and our own credit score, for being barefoot in the kitchen making dinner with a baby on our hip, another in the oven, all while asking our husband for some extra cash to get our hair done next week?  NO!  It’s not at all a fair trade, it's more appropriately labeled a journey from freedom to slavery and I do not approve.  So how can you have a husband and some kids and not give up your autonomy?  By saying, fuck traditions, that’s how.  

I think the powerful female can still be a wife and mother all while maintaining her career but the first thing you'll have to give up is concern for what others think about your approach.  Say you’ve worked for almost 10 years in your field, you have furthered your education and spent many nights or weekends working to prove your worth while your friends were out socializing.  That’s okay baby, don't throw that away because you do not have to stop working, cut back hours or change jobs in order to have that family.  A family in the case of my example, contains 2 adults.  Husbands can stay home, work from home, cut back ect ect just the same as women are expected to do.  It is extremely important to have these conversations and make non-traditional choices in order to neutralize the gender role playing field.  To hold the titles of  a woman, a mother, a wife, and career girl, you do NOT have to stop working, change your name,  or share bank or credit accounts.  Hell, you don’t even have to get married if it makes you uncomfortable, which it should.  You do the things that work best for YOU and YOUR family.  It is no secret that being a wife, a husband, a mom, a dad or a caregiver in any way is a sacrifice, but the sacrifice does not belong to the female.  It belongs to all parties involved, so own the decision to create a non-gender role family.  When your in-laws ask with judgement, why you are still working full time, refuse to buy a house with their son and are still running that side business you should respond happily with the truth.  And the truth is, ‘because I can’.

My next least favorite traditions are ones surrounding weddings and the parties that precede them.  First, I would like to state that while I am not against marriage I do not think it is the magical union it is made out to be.  But my opinions on marriage can be discussed in another post.  Here, I want to explore why people spend upwards of 20k with reckless abandon in order to entertain friends and family.  Are you the Great Gatsby?  Doubtful, so let’s figure out why people think this is okay to do.  First of all, there is no reason to have multiple pre-wedding parties.  An engagement party, a wedding shower, and of course bachelor and bachelorette parties.  Honestly, how retarded!  There is undoubtedly societal pressure to celebrate in a particular way, but all of these things cost money and I’m willing to bet that the funds spent on these events have more business in your Roth IRA account than buying alcohol, and penis suckers.  Not to mention the fact that pressures to have these parties often creates an environment for unsound moral decisions.  I mean, aren’t bachelor and bachelorette parties often involving naked entertainers?  I doubt that future spouses or the spouses of the other participants, would be comfortable with this type of thing.  However,  we happily plan these parties and turn a blind eye to the truth, which is likely that you just spent money you didn’t have and your future spouse had their hands all over a naked stranger all night and now it’s time to get married.  Thanks, but I’ll pass.  I think more often than not the people who like the attention are the ones throwing these parties and posting fun pics on IG is more important to them than making sound financial and moral decisions.  Traditions do not serve us well in this case.  

And let's not forget the main event, the wedding.  Flowers and music, and food and fluffy dresses and venue rentals, no matter how elegant, will not bring happiness, trust, or respect to your marriage.  In fact, these things have nothing to do with your marriage.  It's all money spent on the things you are told you have to have because , ‘this is how it’s done’, ‘this is the tradition’, ‘this is how your grandmother was married’ or my personal favorite, ‘this is what mom wants’.  When I hear these kinds of answers I want to blast Limp Bizkit’s, ‘My Way’ on repeat until someone admits that I am right.  I personally do not see how such a ridiculous amount of attention to the details of textiles, table clothes, chairs covers, napkins and princess dresses has a damn thing to do with my happiness.  I think it has to do with capitalism telling us that we need these things in order to get us to spend more money to keep the big machine turning.  I will not participate.  You do not need any of this and it does not matter what Mom wants either.  She had her turn to get married and now it is your turn.  Keep in mind my people getting married, that this is your day and hopefully you only get one of these days.  Make it yours!  Think about a marriage as starting your own business.  You do not have advisors from the previous company, you are your own corporation, your own brand, with a shiny new logo.  Do what makes you happy and do not fall into the trap or the pressures of what everyone else wants for you.  Your life, including life altering decisions and events, should look exactly how you want them to. So please, take the time to evaluate what it is that you and your partner want and ignore the sounds of what you should do or what the family wants. After all, isn’t marriage about stepping away from the family and creating your own?  Do it with confidence and uniqueness.  

Okay, let's talk about traditions that are a little less heavy, the holidays.  This time of year is all about spending time with your loved ones both chosen and not.  Work parties, friends, family, and perhaps in laws bid for your time if you're lucky and demand it more than likely.  I want you to stop and ask yourself how much of your holiday plans are things you genuinely want to do?  Do you hate going to that 2nd Christmas of the day simply because you're tired and your day off work suddenly doesn’t at all feel like a day off?  Have you never understood why the entire family needs to be crammed into Aunt Suzie's house when you have a large enough space for everyone and are willing to host even after you have offered your space multiple times?  And what is the actual problem with going away with your husband and kids for Christmas each year on a vacation instead of participating in the family dinner party?   Why can’t you go to Vegas for your birthday instead of letting your mom make you a birthday dinner?  Isn’t it honestly okay if you want to go for a run and enjoy grilled chicken on Easter Sunday instead of participating in a family dinner for a holiday that you do not support the religious framework for in the first place?  And if I say I don’t want my child to receive any more than 2 gifts per person for her birthday, because I want her to understand that excess is bad, should I have to debate my wishes with my family? Shouldn’t they simply respect the way I want to raise my children?  

Do you see that pattern yet?  People, someone,  believes they “know best” and have called the shots for years and even if their ideas no longer serve the group, the times, the event or the individual, their way is still the only way it can be done in their eyes!  Please refer to my post on change for all the reasons why this ideology is wildly inaccurate.  I want to be very clear about one thing.  We only live once.  Every day could be our last.  Why are we spending time doing things that we do not want to do in an effort to not upset someone else?  Really, think about this for a moment.  There are times when this behavior is okay, but as a standard operating method, I think we do ourselves a disservice by not starting our own traditions and celebrating life's greatest moments in ways that bring us, the individual, true happiness and joy.  Joy that allows us to express our creativity and interests, and that reflect our individuality.  Not the way your mom or sister or dad thinks happiness should be created.  Everyone deserves to be happy, so take the time this holiday season and evaluate what happiness means to you and what kinds of things you want to pass onto your children.  Do you want to continue the cycle of miserable attitudes towards the events in life that are supposed to be some of our most valued memories?  Do you want to show the kids in your family that they should not create new ways to celebrate, or not speak out when things are not to their liking?  No, I don’t think that’s the kind of mindset our future generations should have and it's not the kind of mindset you or I should abide by either.

Trash the rules.  Open your mind.