What is a Dad?

 Happy Father’s day all!  Father’s day is very important to me for 2 reasons.  One, my Dad is no longer with us and neither is my Grandpa.  Both were extremely important in my life and I am always looking for ways to honor them.  The second reason is the motivation for today’s post which is that Dad’s are not celebrated or appreciated appropriately compared to their female counterparts, and I want to address that.  In today’s thought journey, I will take you through what I believe the sacrifices and true responsibility of being a father is as well as some really great inputs from my friends, family and co-workers when I asked them directly about being a Dad or what they think being one will be like.  

Parenting is tough.  That is the messaging anyway you slice it.  There are tales of sacrifice, sleep deprivation, being stronger than you ever realized you could be, and also softer with a sense of love that only comes with being responsible for a child.  Generally speaking, both parents experience this and it must be navigated quickly and with grace.  There are no instructions on this self guided tour and it is definitely not self-paced.  This is true for both parents.  Both pay a tax, so to speak, for the decision to have kids.  However, somewhere along the way a majority of the credit for these realities were allocated to mothers.  Mothers day calls for banquet halls all over the tri-state area to put on brunches, jewelry stores  have mother’s day sales because it is customary to buy mom diamonds for this occasion, and work places give out decadent treats to honor their mothers.  And my absolute favorite is the blast of social media activity about moms.  For years now, I have observed the opposite happen for Dads.  We expect Dad to grill for the family, accept insipid gifts, and welcome a lackluster celebration in exchange for their role as a parent.  And again, back to social media, the most hideous thing I see is people using father’s day as a secondary mothers day.  Using the opportunity to shout out to single moms, or down play fathers day because of ‘deadbeat’ Dads ect.  This is both ignorant and an embarrassment for anyone who participates in this line of thinking,

Dads pull the weight, make things happen, teach bravery, set expectations, and in many cases float the financial boat for their families.  Take this common example of an American family.  A couple with their first newborn.  Both parents had careers but it was decided that the mother should stay home full time to save on child care expenses.  Dad is now the single source of income for a 3 person household.  I want you to stop and think about this for a moment.  That decision is much deeper than you think.  Dad pays the mortgage, utilities, vehicle costs (for 2 cars most likely) and puts food on the table.  He also takes care of health insurance and co-pay expenses, saves money for emergencies, the cost of pets and extras like trips and holiday and birthday gifts.  Okay, so those are surface expenses meaning those are the things that you would expect in this scenario.  But this responsibility goes deeper than that. Dad also has to save for retirement on top of everything else, and not just his retirement.  He is now required to save enough to support 2 people rather than only himself.  If his wife is not working, or does not return to work for some years, that is a ton of missed contributions into a 401k for her.  Dad now picks up that slack.  This is not meant to be a financial discussion at its core, but I do want you to think about how this unseen sacrifice shapes so much of what a Dad gives that goes unrecognized by society.

Lets talk about the idea that single mothers get another gold star because they are playing the role of both parents.  Disgusting.  One bad Dad does not ruin all dads.  14% of children living in a single parent household are living with a single Dad.  Of course, that means that the remaining 86% of single parents are mothers, leaving us to assume that the father is not present for whatever reason.  Don’t let those numbers trick you.  70% of kids being raised by a single mother will encounter issues with drugs, suicide, or teen pregnancy compared to single father households. No one talks about those statistics.  No matter what data you present to represent these facts, we for some odd reason, are not able to tarnish mothers in our society.  Even the classic divorced couple example, where Dad can only see his son on the weekends provides Dad another opportunity to shine. Okay yes, Dad isn’t going to turn down time with this kid, but have you ever considered the obvious inconvenience of that schedule?  1.  Dad gets no days off.  He works for the man Monday-Friday and is on Dad duty Friday-Sunday.  2.  This weekend Dad shift puts a massive damper on Dads social life.  It is going to be very challenging for him to meet a new partner when he can’t go out on the weekends.  This of course goes unnoticed and unappreciated.  It is the unsung sacrifice for Dad's, and would not be tolerated if mom's were held to that same expectation.  A single parent is not doing the job of both parents.  They are doing the best that they can, as individuals.  No mother could ever bring to the table the things that a Dad will teach. Mother's are not moms and Dads.  And Single fathers are not playing mommy either.  So no, I will not shout out to single moms on fathers day.  No one should.  Fathers maintain full time successful careers, hobbies, and fatherhood at the same time with little to no respect for all that they do for the family.   Mothers are expected to do the same. Sorry ladies, no extra points for doing what is expected from us all.

Okay, I’ve said my piece and now I want to share some of the feedback I got from the males I know when I asked them some questions about fatherhood.  What is your most rewarding or favorite thing about being a Dad?  What is the most important thing you do as a Dad?  What will be the most challenging thing to master when you are a Dad?  

Snuggles and hearing I love you, Daddy.  Their laughs and smiles.

Little moments, when you wake up and they are cuddling you, or they tell you they missed you while you were gone.  Being silly together and laughing.  It makes you forget the struggle and frustration of life in general.

You are responsible for these little people but it isn’t something that you hate doing.  It feels good to take care of them.  Watching them grow up is pretty cool too.

It will be tough to shape everything that they see and hear so that they have a foundation and tools to deal with life’s adversity.

It is so important to give unconditional support and listen before you react.  They need patience and understanding even if I am uncomfortable.

 I saved this one for last because this answer was so genuine and full of joy.  All the other responses I choose to summarize but this one I am presenting in its full capacity.  

So many things but if I had to narrow it down I’d say seeing my kids live, laugh and love and knowing that I brought them into this world is one of the biggest things for sure.  Also, being so proud of them with every accomplishment that they have.  And of course being a goof ball with them all the time.  They are just so fun!  My kids mean the world to me, Kelly.  They are the best!!

If you have the privilege of speaking to your Dad please thank him for EVERYTHING that he has done for you.  If you know someone who is a Dad, tell them happy fathers day and acknowledge all that they do for their families.  These men are brave, compassionate, dedicated and they love their kids.  They deserve to be honored.

Trash the rules.  Open your mind.